Friday, December 17, 2010

I never have sex dreams either.

"Man, I don’t even get proper sex dreams, they’re always mixed in with some kind of plot and I wake up before the sex actually happens. I dreamt I was in an airport cafe waiting for a flight, and a blond girl with freckles sat down across from me and kissed me on the cheek. Didn’t know who she was, but she smiled at me and then we were under Eiffel tower in the rain, we were all alone and kissing, and we were peeling off each others wet clothes when I woke up. And then I had another dream where I was on some kind of ancient temple complex with lapis lazuli and marble floors and idols and columns and all that shit; the whole thing slowly rising out of the sea. It was night, and I was racing around being chased by some Lovecraftian creature and then I saw a set of steps leading up to a curtain, and I opened it and there was a lady in a kimono who took off my wet clothes and gave me tea and we were making out but I woke up before anything happened!

My subconcious is a freaking pussyblock. Also I guess I have a fetish for wet clothes?"

Anon's Dream

"Dude I had a fucked up dream just now. I was sitting at home reading a newspaper and my parents let in these flies inside from the front door (or more like the flies had unlocked the door and let themselves in), they were bigger than regular flies, like the size of a fist, and they both had little clothing garments and one had a notepad. The elderly female voice coming from the fly with the notepad projected like a regular human voice and they started to buzz about the living room. It turns out they were some sort of inspectors going about each place to check up on things and report anything that might be hazardous, and my parents were bending over backwards to appease them, and that fly with the notepad kept marking shit down and speaking in this haughty one point it found a chip in the wall near the bathroom and looked at the other fly and was like “this needs to be fixed as it can lead to the black hole”…then they buzzed into my room, and my parents stayed there while the flies came back in the living room and started crowding me from my recliner, both buzzing at eye level.

The fly with the notepad was like “Why is there a mattress on the ground next to another bed in your room?” At this point this is the first time I look at the flies head on, and I’ve been tactfully trying to ignore them…the one speaking to me has this severely morose grandmotherly face with a missing left eye, and there is no patch or anything hiding it while the other one looks just like a regular fly one bigger. I say, “Oh yeah, someone was sleeping over the other night, this guy Mike.” And the fly snaps back, “and what is he to you..a roommate, a boyfriend, a friend!?” And I go, “he is not a roommate, and the rest is none of your fucking business!”. And the fly just stares point blank, like it’s affronted I would dare to speak anything but obediently to its intrusive questions, and then it makes a thread and goes,”You better watch what you say, or I will come here and look for the tiniest excuse to evict your family!”, and I get off the recliner and start walking towards them, now rolling up my newspaper, until their backs are against the screen by the porch door and for some reason what I say next is from their POV, so I see my face in beaded sweat yelling with malice,” If you EVER kick us out for some petty reason, to get back at me, I will NEVER REST. I will come AFTER YOU and sue you for every clause I can find, I will make you pay until you don’t have a fucking penny, OR WORSE!”…and at this point I can’t hold back the rage and I swat them both with the paper as hard as I can and I see their crippled bodies both hit the floor with the little notebook…

And right at that moment I wake up."